


Hisoka x Snapchat

by ContrivedCircus



Series: Hunter x Hell [4]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Gon and Killua are filthy thieves, Heaven's Arena sorta timeline, Illumi's a foodie, M/M, Memes, Mito raised you better than this, Snapchat, Twerking, Who's Chrollo, and Hisoka found his jams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 22:28:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14411865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ContrivedCircus/pseuds/ContrivedCircus
Summary: Caught in the midst of an impromptu fight, Hisoka’s phone slips from his pocket.Gon and Killua, drawn in by the powerful bursts of Nen, are the first to pick it up.Just what exactly does Hisoka have on his phone? How many snapchats can they send before they’re found out? How many bizarre texts can they flood Illumi and others with before he gets angryAnd what will happen when Hisoka comes to get his phone back?





	Hisoka x Snapchat

Fear is a survival instinct. Fear can create, or be the product of, the fight or flight instinct. Fear surges through your veins like static, kicking your heart into action, causing it to pound painfully against your chest. Fear makes your vision become blurry, it makes your mouth dry up and your joints lock.

                                  Fear is a malicious intruder in your body, a parasite set on _destroying_ you.

Fortunately, this emotion is not what Hisoka is currently experiencing. Instead, irritation tugs at his lips, sharp golden eyes narrowing on the stranger who had challenged him only moments ago. It’s not as though Hisoka has a stockpile of free time. Between battling at Heaven’s Arena and stalking potential targets, he has other responsibilities under his belt.

 _‘So much for paying my electric…’_ He thinks to himself. His bill isn’t overdue; however, the magician prefers to clear his dues as soon as they’re presented to him. With the impulsive way he jumps from continent-to-continent, it is easier for him to pay his bills long before the company comes looking for their money.

“It’s common knowledge that the Heaven’s Arena fights are all staged.” Hisoka’s opponent has a grating voice, one laced thickly with unjustified arrogance. He is a forty-four out of one hundred on the jester’s scale, hardly worth wrinkling his clothes for.

“Is that so?” The magician crosses one foot behind the other, casually shifting the bulk of his weight to one leg as they stand in the middle of a vacant park. The late hour of the night ensures they will be undisturbed by the general public, perhaps like this he can have a bit of fun before going home. His bill is already late by his standards anyway.

“There’s proof all over the internet, that fights are staged because of the high-rollers who bet on the matches.” The stranger’s aura bursts from his body, it is violent around him, though it is not impressive as the man may believe.

The man stands maybe twenty feet in front of Hisoka, behind him is a thicket of woods dividing this half of the park from the other. Aside from being given the opportunity to stretch his legs with casual murder, Hisoka feels his irritation subsiding. Perhaps burning off some excess energy will help him sleep better tonight.

“I see… then in that case, I suppose I have no option but to fight you. Right~?♡”

It is one-sided, hardly a fight even with Hisoka actively holding back. They are a blur meshing between the trees, flashes of crimson barely visible as the two collide in a flurry of fists and kicks. The jester’s Nen is not required as his hands grip the rough bark of nearby trees, projecting himself over the thick limbs to evade a sloppy punch. Nearby squirrels and birds flee as their sparring shakes the small patch of forestry, disruption rousing even more wildlife as Hisoka’s form swiftly passes his opponent.

At this point, the stranger has surely realized he is outmatched. Even without his Nen, and holding back, Hisoka is both stronger and faster. The product of years of training, of having his ass handed to him as a teenager, of realizing he wants to be the strongest, undefeatable.

Or defeatable, by the right hands.

Their fight bleeds out into the rest of the park, the swift movements causing the magician’s phone to slide out of his pocket and onto the grass below. Though he could spare a moment to retrieve it, he chooses to devote his focus to the fight in-front of him. His phone is backed up onto a cloud anyway.

Nearby, Killua and Gon race along rooftops, their curious excitement drawing them towards the park where they had felt an abrupt burst of Nen. The day had been rather long and boring for the two, and it is not common for them to feel nearby fights taking place outside of the arena. This is an opportunity, if nothing else, for them to observe real combat and maybe learn something.

Jumping off the roof, the two hunters land quietly on the concrete below before sharing a brief glance. There is an ongoing bet between them of who will be the first to shatter a bone following such a long jump. As of right now, neither has been injured.

Racing between buildings, the two break into the park where they can feel the bulk of the fight taking place. Darting between trees and bushes, Killua motions for Gon to keep a safe distance. In the middle of battle, some people are more sensitive to presences, while others become oblivious. Gon is the sort to become oblivious, however, they don’t know how these two strangers are.

Around them, the wildlife has already vacated the area. To Gon, it’s eerily reminiscent of the Hunter exam when he had first felt Hisoka’s bloodlust. During that time, the animals had also all fled, but Gon himself had been too frightened to move.

However, unlike last time, Gon is no longer too frightened to move.

The memory motivates the teen rather than discouraging him, adrenaline and excitement pumping hard through his veins as his legs anxiously fidget. For all the training they’ve done and all the people they’ve met who have helped them, Gon feels more prepared than before. Prepared to face things which may be a bit beyond him, that is.

Looking around, he cannot easily maintain a view of the duo sparring between the forestry. With a slow, cautious pace, Killua and Gon approach while using the trees as a cover. With their eyes glued to the impossibly fast fight, Killua can hear Gon’s excited, shuddered breaths. Although concern breathes down his back, the Zoldyck refrains from commenting on Gon’s response, he himself is also somewhat excited anyway.

“We probably shouldn't get any closer.” Killua’s voice is quiet, his gaze meeting Gon’s only briefly before departing to continue observing the fight. The two have taken up position behind a thick tree trunk, one just large enough to mostly hide their bodies if they stick close together.

Awe-stricken, Gon merely nods in response.

“I wonder who they are." He prompts in the same quiet tone Killua had used. The two are close enough to whisper, yet that somehow feels improper given their proximity.

Or perhaps it is only Killua who feels whispering would be embarrassing. Being this close to Gon is enough to exhilarate his usually calm heartbeat, not that he is able to fully understand the reasoning.

“It doesn't matter, it's still dangerous.” Killua replies, his eyes unmoving from the action as the two fighters fall further and further away.

“Come on, let's get closer.” Gon pushes away from the tree before Killua can stop him. Pressing his palms against the rough bark, Killua pauses long enough to let out a sigh before beginning to quietly follow after the other curious hunter.

The Zoldyck’s senses are on full alert as he follows two paces behind Gon. The only sounds to be heard are Gon’s footsteps, which are not yet silent like Killua’s, as well as the occasional rustle of leaves as the fighters leap through the trees.

With his hands dug into his shorts pockets, the Zoldyck cautiously glances from side-to-side, nearly bumping into Gon after he abruptly pauses. Biting back the curse which had developed on the tip of his tongue, Killua steps back.

“Gon!” He hisses as the other teen bends down, seemingly retrieving something from the ground. Be it a stick, a cool rock, or some used baby-preventing accessory, Killua didn’t like that they were standing exposed between the trees. If the strangers less than twenty yards away happened to glance their way, who knows what would happen?

With something in his hand, Gon stands up straight again, his gaze focused on the item as Killua peers around him to see what it is he’s collected.

“A phone?” Killua mumbles, taking a step closer as curiosity begins to dawn.

“It must belong to one of them.” Gon’s voice is lighter now, no longer muddled with elated breaths as he continues to stare at the phone in his hand. Rather than being a large flip-phone like the two of them have, it’s a far more expensive smartphone. As Killua watches Gon’s eyes gazing over the glass screen, he can’t help but wonder if the boy has ever used anything touch screen in his life.

“Come on, let’s hide before we get caught.” Although eager to explore the device, the Zoldyck also does not want to be caught by the strangers. A phone can contain a lot of personal data, if they’re hunters, then they’ve lost something which can maybe be used as blackmail. Depending on what they find on it, that is. After ensuring that Gon is following him, the two relocate to an overgrown bush, kneeling down to hide behind it before Gon holds up the phone again.

“Press the button on the side.” Killua guides the other Hunter. Gon has already surprised him in the past by knowing how to use a computer, but sometimes Killua finds himself uncertain of what exactly the teen had missed out on while living in the middle of the ocean.

A blue glow illuminates both their faces, as well as some of the leaves behind them. Huddling closer to Gon, Killua glances over the lock screen. The wallpaper itself is fairly plain, a black background, with the thin, white outline of a heart in the center. Killua had been hoping for a photo of the phone owner, or perhaps their significant other or family. Although, it would be stupid as a hunter, to have that sort of revealing info on the lock screen, people do far stupider things.

“Well that doesn’t tell us anything. There’s probably a password, but let’s try to unlock it.”

Reaching over, he swipes the lock button, expecting a password screen to appear, but instead, getting the home screen of the device.

“An idiot owns this phone.” Killua mumbles. The background wallpaper is different from the lock screen, it’s an image of all the card suits. Killua’s stomach begins to drop as he reaches now to take the phone from Gon.

“That’s like Hisoka.” Gon whispers. His eyes watch as Killua navigates to the phone settings, pulling it up before looking at the email attached to the phone.

 _“This is Hisoka’s phone.”_ The Zoldyck mutters, his tone more serious now as he abruptly switches the device off.

“If we have his phone then… That means he’s over there fighting someone.” Gon’s eyes move from the ground, meeting Killua’s. There is silence between them now, a seriousness reflected in their gaze as the wheels turn in both of their heads. Their initial instinct is to toss the phone and leave it. But Killua can’t bring himself to dispose of something so valuable. Hisoka may be stronger than they are, but they now have access to his personal phone. The clown wouldn’t be stupid enough to discuss any of his plots over a text, but they can at least see who his contacts are and get a grasp on the man’s inner circle. It wouldn’t be much, but it would be better than swinging their sword in the dark as they have been doing.

“What should we do?” Gon asks. Killua knows by the firmness of his tone that Gon has already made his decision and knowing Gon; it’s likely the same as Killua’s. The other hunter’s curiosity is both beneficial and dangerous, depending on the situation.

“Let’s go back to your room, we’ll look at it more once we’re there.”  
  


    The run back to Heaven’s Arena feels longer than the initial run to the park. The phone burns in Killua’s pocket with each step, paranoia alighting all of his senses until they finally reach Gon’s room. Closing and locking the door behind them, Gon takes a few steps away from Killua before turning to face him again.

They just stole Hisoka’s phone.

“We have to give it back to him.” Gon’s words do not surprise Killua who leans against the door frame. Digging the phone from his pocket, he powers it back on.

“How do you suppose we do that? Just hand it back to him ‘sorry we stole this’? This is Hisoka we’re talking about. We’ll have to dispose of it another way. He can get a new one.” The boot screen of the phone flashes various lights across Killua’s face, his eyes relocating from Gon’s face and back down to the device.

“We can leave it at the front desk and say we found it. We don’t have to give it back to him directly.”

As the phone comes back to life, Killua swiftly unlocks it, his thumb hesitating over the various icons as he tries to decide the best order in which to go through everything. However, considering most newer phones come equipped with trackers, they have only a few hours at most.

“If we do that then he’ll know that it was someone who knows him.” As Killua speaks, he clicks on the text message icon, opening up a list of Hisoka’s recent texts before scanning the list. “Besides, what stranger would turn in a cell phone to Heaven’s Arena? It’s too dangerous, we’ll get rid of it.”

Several names pop out to Killua, the first one being ‘Illu’. The former assassin stares at the nickname for a few seconds, his hesitance draws Gon closer as the other hunter peers at the screen.

“Illu, as in Illumi? Click that one! We should see what they’re planning.” Gon’s earnest voice does not surprise Killua. Although the boy had very recently insisted they turn the phone in, his quiet curiosity had not been missed by the Zoldyck.

Although, some part of Killua does not want to open the message, he doesn’t want to see what those two discuss. Had the text belonged to anybody else, it would not have mattered. But Illumi is different.

His thumb presses down on the glass, the screen changing to the conversation history between Illumi and Hisoka. With Gon standing closer than usual, the two read over the exchange.

**_[Ten days ago]_ **

_Illu: I’m in town, where are you?_

_Hisoka: I’m at home. Did you want to meet?_

_Illu: Yes, unless you are busy. It is not important._

_Hisoka: I’m free._

_Illu: I’ll be there in ten minutes. Get dressed this time._

_Hisoka: Bring me more Oreos. You ate all of mine the last time you were here._

_Illu: Your hips were looking wider. I was helping._

_Hisoka: I like the double-stuffed ones. I actually like a lot of things double-stuffed._

_Illu: I’ll bring the Oreos.  
_

****_[Three days ago]_  
  


_Illu: Have you seen Killu lately?_

_Hisoka: No._

_Illu: Killu would look nice in this._

Killua’s lips draw into a frown as he eyes the odd outfit Illumi had attached to the text message, beside him, he can hear the quiet inhale of Gon trying not to laugh

Continuing on, Killua scrolls down.

_Hisoka: I’m sure your brother would appreciate the thought._

_Illu: Hmm, probably not. But I’ve always suspected he would look quite cute with cat ears. :3_

_Hisoka: Why don’t you buy some and try putting them on him? Lol_

_Illu: That’s a good idea._

_Hisoka: I wasn’t being serious, Illu…_

_Illu: Text me next time you see Killua._

_Hisoka: Sure~_

“This is a weird conversation.” Killua mutters, scrolling down to a more current message. Although Hisoka and Illumi come off as nefarious and plotting, their conversations are apparently, quite dull. Glancing at the time on the phone once more, he makes a mental note of the approximate time they need to dump the phone before continuing to read.

**_[Today]_ **

_Illu: There is a new street taco truck downtown._

_Illu: If you have the opportunity, the loaded street taco is good._

_Illu: I had sixteen._

_Illu: I could have eaten more but they ran out of sauce bottles and only had the packets._

_Illu: Do you know how to make tacos?_

_Hisoka: Yes._

_Illu: Will you make me a taco if I come over?_

_Hisoka: No_

_Illu: Oh right, you’re a vegetarian._

_Hisoka: I’m not, but I’m not going to make you tacos._

_Illu: :(_

_Hisoka: I have a supreme burrito ready for you anytime though~. ;)_

_Illu: No thanks._

_Hisoka: :(_

Closing the conversation screen, Killua casts a confused glance to Gon. The two of them had certainly just peaked at a side of Illumi they’d never seen before. Growing up, Illumi had always preached to Killua about moderation. Killua enjoyed sweets in excess now, but back then, he considered it lucky when a single chocorobo was gifted to him for a job well done.

“Sixteen tacos?” He mumbles as he scrolls through the messages screen.

“Yeah, and Hisoka said he had a burrito too. The two of them must eat a lot.” Gon adds, causing a brief pause on Killua’s part. Although the Zoldyck understood Hisoka’s euphemism, he didn’t feel particularly inclined to clarify for Gon. Rather than commenting, Killua continues to click on text messages, the two of them reading over the conversations between Hisoka, various strangers.

The rest of the conversations are fairly normal compared to the conversations between Hisoka and Illumi. Questions about locations of items, about meet-ups, about fighting, as well as about hiring Hisoka for assistance with difficult work. Aside from Illumi, not a single conversation could be called personal in the slightest. Although the two have never given it much thought before, it dawns on them that Hisoka and Illumi are each other’s only friends. Does this mean Killua and Gon can worry less about being spied on? Probably not… Especially with Illumi’s needleman, everybody is a target.

“Open up his pictures, maybe there’s something useful in there.” Gon shifts his weight to one leg, peering over Killua’s shoulder. Having Gon this close makes the room feel smaller somehow, as though the walls are slowly drawing in on them. As the embarrassment heats his face, the teen presses his lips together in an attempt to drown the feeling before closing the text messages.

“I’m not sure what we’re going to find. This is Hisoka we’re talking about.” Killua prefaces his actions with uncertain words. Once more, his thumb hesitates over the gallery icon. Going through Hisoka’s texts had been a bit risky, but his photo gallery is on another level. Isn’t it common for people to have nudes in there? The mere thought of catching even a glimpse of Hisoka naked is enough to turn Killua’s stomach. _No thanks._

Gon steps back from the Zoldyck, their eyes meeting within the short distance. “We won’t know until we look. Besides,” Gon points to the phone in Killua’s hands, his expression neutral though his tone loudly proclaims his demand to have his way. “Neither of us will be satisfied if we go through everything on his phone except for his photos! We might find something useful.”

“I guess.” Killua groans. Tilting his head back, his eyes briefly search the ceiling in thought as Gon takes a step closer once again. The word ‘gullible’ is written in tiny print on the ceiling.

“Let’s do it one album at a time. I can’t really see Hisoka as the type to take a lot of pictures anyway.”

The words leave Killua’s lips without the barest hint of his nervousness. In truth, the Zoldyck is unaware of just how worldly Gon is, but he also doesn’t want to be the one to provide the birds and the bees talk.

Really, He should’ve destroyed the phone the minute they found it...

“I don’t think he does either. Come on.” Gon’s eyes remain glued to the screen as Killua finally presses the button for the image gallery. In the next second, folders and folders of images populate the screen. Most of the folders are untitled, containing hundreds of images each. However, some of the folders are graced with suspicious names.

After scrolling down the list, Killua begins to read out the oddly named folders.

“Cake…? Apples? Illuminaughty?” A frown creases Killua’s lips again, Gon’s chin still pressed to his shoulder as the two stare at the list of files. Which one would be the safest?

While Killua silently deliberates, Gon reaches forward as he begins to speak, pointing to the first file: ‘ _Cake_ ’.

“Let’s just start at the top. We don’t have a lot of time right?”

“Right.” Killua’s response comes out more hushed and tense than his earlier words. Why is he so nervous when Gon is so calm? His nervousness is slowing them down, at this rate, Hisoka will catch them.

Clicking on the file labeled ‘Cake’, dozens of images appear in neat little rows on the screen. Just by glancing over them, the Zoldyck can already tell that most of them are videos taken at different times and in different locations. Though, the icons themselves show nothing but the empty corner of various rooms.

Selecting the first icon, the image expands to fill the screen, a video beginning to play before Gon and Killua’s eyes.

There is music. A modern hip-hop beat neither two recognize. On the screen, the two hunters can see the corner of what appears to be a suite in Heaven’s Arena. There is nothing in the corner to look at, nor can they hear anything above the music. The odd video continues to play without anything happening, Killua’s eyes drawing to the loading bar for a brief second.

“It’s a five-minute video.” He mumbles, ready to click away from the strange recording.

“What do you think he was filming?” Gon questions quietly. Despite their confusion, the two remain eerily focused.

Without warning, Hisoka walks into the frame. Only his body from his chest down is visible as he arrogantly stalks towards the center of the screen. His sudden appearance has both hunters holding their breath.

Rather than his usual clothes, he’s wearing black leggings and a loose, white tank top. The clothes seem strange on him, though both Gon and Killua refrain from commenting just yet. Turning his back to the camera, the jester appears to hesitate for a second, his body turning slightly towards the side before one of his fingers begins to tap against his thigh to the beat of the music.

“Is this…” Killua trails off, distracted by the bizarre images playing out before him. Between the rhythmic movements of Hisoka’s fingers, and the music filling their ears, it is not difficult to hypothesize what is coming next.

That is when it happens.

Knees bent, back straight, the cruel magician suddenly squats before rising half-way again. Resting his palms on his knees, he begins to dance, if one could even call such a horrific sight as such.

The dance is fully focused on his ass, Hisoka’s waist curves in as his hips bounce with a surprising looseness given his size. The beat compliments each wave of his flat ass as it bounces, substituting for what he’s lacking in the rear as the magician relentlessly practices his moves.

Killua’s expression morphs from disgust to horror, his arm unconsciously pulling the video away from their eyes as Gon leaps away. Although, this is one of a handful of things Killua never once wanted to witness in his life, he couldn’t deny being surprised the older man can move in such a way.

“This was a bad idea.” Killua snaps, covering the screen with his free hand just long enough to exit the video _and_ the ‘Cake’ folder.

“What do you think he does with those videos?” Gon asks, his face still contorted a bit by his disgust.

“I don’t know but…” Selecting the folder, Killua presses the delete button, unable to relax until the entire folder vanishes from the album list. “I’m going to make sure nobody ever has to see it again…”

“Good idea.” The other hunter adds before finally beginning to relax. Nothing about going through Hisoka’s phone felt like a good idea now. If ‘Cake’ meant twerking, then what did ‘Apples’ or ‘Illuminaughty’ mean?

As though the universe were salvaging his young eyes from venturing any further, a snapchat notification from Illu draws the Zoldyck from his thoughts. Glancing at Gon, Killua quickly clicks the notification.

Blackness temporarily fills the screen followed by the snap history. A white screen with lists of names and empty arrows. Beside Illumi’s name is a snapstreak of over seven hundred days. The number is startling, but only reminds Killua of just how lonely Hisoka and Illumi must be.

“Illumi snapchatted him?” Gon asks. Somehow, Killua can’t help feeling as though Gon is more invested in this than he is.

“I didn’t even know Illumi had a snapchat.” He replies as he clicks on the new snap.

A large picture takes over the screen. Killua, who could pick his brother out of a headless, legless crowd, immediately recognized the person in the photo. The image displayed a man from the chest down, clothed, with one hand resting on a bulging belly. Pressing his lips together to hold back his laughter, Killua reads the subtitle on the snap.

_‘My food baby is the next Zoldyck heir.’_

Behind him, Gon falls to the floor in laughter, Killua’s eyes bulging before the laughter overtakes him as well. His serious, straight-laced brother, self-identifies as pregnant with a food baby. The suite is overrun with their cries, tears pricking their eyes as Killua drops to his knees, gripping his stomach. It’s too much.

“Message him back!” Gon laughs from the floor, only now beginning to get control of himself.

“And say what?!” Killua shoots back, his abdominal muscles _aching_ from laughing too hard.

“Name it! Name the baby! Oh, I wanna help!” The older hunter rolls onto his knees, straightening his clothes out before looking up at Killua.

As Killua climbs to his feet, he glances back at the phone screen. The image is gone now, the list displaying the snap history being all that he can see now.

“Illumi thinks we’re Hisoka.” Killua says this as though the power of the realization has only just hit him. They could use this…

“I don’t wanna name my brother’s baby.” He adds a few moments later. A frown covers his lips as he clicks the circle at the bottom of the screen.

“We aren’t naming it, Hisoka is.” Gon grins.

“Fine, what should we, I mean, _Hisoka,_ name it?” He questions, taking a picture of the ceiling before clicking to add a subtitle.

“What would Hisoka name a baby?” Gon’s question causes a pause between the two, an endless gaze shared between them in silence, Gon farts nervously.

“Hisoka’s a freak… He wouldn’t give the kid a proper name.” Killua looks back down at the phone before beginning to type.

_“Name it after me~_ _♡_ _”_

After Killua shoots the snapchat off, Gon climbs back to his feet. Taking a few steps away from Killua, Gon takes a seat on the bed.

“We should text more people! Let’s text all of his contacts!” Gon’s troublesome ambitions cause Killua to raise an eyebrow.

“And tell them what? What if they figure out that we’re not Hisoka?” Closing the snapchat app, Killua opens Hisoka’s text messages again. Idly, he goes through various texts.

“We can just send a few funny things before getting rid of the phone. Like pick-up lines or memes!” Gon smiles wide again, Killua’s mischievous nature taking a large bite out of this idea.

“Okay, let’s do it. But then we really have to get rid of it. Hisoka could be on his way here right now! Who knows what that perverted freak will do if he catches us.” Killua’s fears are not unfounded, paranoia bearing itself thick upon his soul as he opens up a blank text message to Chrollo.

“What should we send this Chrollo person?” Killua questions, staring at the blinking cursor within the message bar. Gon’s head lolls back, his eyes searching the white ceiling in thought before he raises his head to face Killua again.

“Let’s send him a meme. You know that frog on a unicycle? Let’s send him that with the ‘waddup’ text underneath.” Per Gon’s suggestion, Killua opens Hisoka’s web browser, internet explorer, and waits for it to load.

“When do you even have time to learn about memes?” Killua asks as he waits for the browser to load. In the address bar, he can tell Hisoka’s most recent website was a fetish site. There’s no way he can share that with Gon.

“Zushi’s been sending them to me. Hmm, I’ve started searching them online too. The frog one is my favorite though.” Grinning wider, Gon extends his arm, bending one before hopping off the bed and dabbing.

“Dat boi!” He shouts before plopping back on the bed again.

The entire action earns no response from Killua, aside from a concerned cringe. Zushi may be a bad influence, Killua is certain he could not deal with watching Gon dab more than once in his lifetime.

“O-okay… I’ll have to see what Zushi can tell me about that then.” Looking away from Gon, Killua stares at the white screen. A thin-lipped smile is strapped to his face, his eyes feel as though they’re screaming. If Hisoka knew about this side of Gon, would he still be interested in him?

The webpage finally loads, an image of a latex fetish party filling the screen now. As Killua hits the home button, the app crashes immediately.

‘Internet Explorer has encountered a problem’

The crash alert draws an annoyed sigh from Killua. However, it does diffuse the tension on his face. Re-launching the app, it opens quicker this time, showing them the home screen.

“A book club…?” Killua scrolls the page for a moment before realizing that Hisoka is signed in on the website. After a bit of prodding, the assassin quickly navigates to google instead. He is learning far too much about Hisoka today, from a latex fetish, to Illumi and his friendship level, to the book club he apparently runs on Sundays and Wednesdays. Killua could’ve gone to his grave without knowing any of this.

It doesn’t take the Zoldyck long to pick out the meme Gon was thinking of. Attaching it to the text message, he shoots it off to Chrollo before looking over at Gon, who now has his phone out as well.

“Who are you texting?” Killua asks before looking back to Hisoka’s phone.

“Zushi, I asked him to tell me more memes.” Gon begins typing furiously on his phone, allowing Killua to click on the snapchat from Illumi.

The snapchat displays Illumi, face included, laying on a couch somewhere Killua does not recognize, along with a subtitle.

_“Why would I do that? You hate kids.”_

Killua snaps a photo of the floor before typing back. _“But I’m so obsessed with Gon.”_

After sending the snap off, Killua sits down on the floor, opening Hisoka’s YouTube before beginning to scroll through his history. The creepy magician has a playlist for everything it seems like. DIY’s, K-pop videos, Self-confidence assessments, recipes. The DIY videos are what surprise Killua the most. Inside, he finds videos on how to make your own bathmats, potpourri, and hummingbird feeder. He also finds a self-help video on becoming more likeable. All of these things feel oddly out of character. Perhaps Killua and Gon are not the first ones to have stolen Hisoka’s phone?

Closing YouTube, Killua opens Hisoka’s texts again. Navigating to Illumi’s messages, Killua opens it up before sending Illumi the frog meme as well as typing an actual text to send him.

**_[Today]_ **

_Hisoka: [Image] Oppa~._

_Illu: What is that?_

_Illu: Also, with regards to your snapchat. You hardly view Gon as a child._

_Hisoka: Gon is a child, what do you mean?_

_Illu: Do I need to explain it to you?_

_Illu: Those sixteen tacos I had earlier got off easier than the country bumpkin._

_Hisoka: I’ve never touched him._

_Illu: Yet._

_Hisoka: If I do, please kill me._

_Illu: Gladly. Anyway, guess what ethnicity my food baby is._

_Hisoka: Mexican._

_Illu: Wrong, guess again._

_Hisoka: Vietnamese._

_Illu: No._

_Hisoka: Idk, what is it?_

_Illu: You’re not fun today. Well whatever, it’s Italian._

_Hisoka: I didn’t realize you ate Italian food._

_Illu: We had dinner at an Italian restaurant last week._

Killua pauses, trying to think up a convincing response.

_Hisoka: I was distracted by you._

_Illu: K_

_Hisoka: You don’t care?_ _☹_

_Illu: K_

_Hisoka: You’re quite beautiful, Illu._

Killua pauses again, just long enough to stifle the gag climbing up his throat before resuming his texts. Nearby, Gon climbs down from the bed before beginning to look over Killua’s shoulder.

“Are you flirting with Illumi?” Gon asks hesitantly.

“Shut up, Hisoka is. I’m just curious what sort of relationship they have.” Killua stares at the phone screen, his eyes narrowing with annoyance. Why did Gon have to point something like that out? Did he really lack that much tact?

“Uh, okay… It looks like Illumi’s turning him down but okay.” Gon leans back on his arms, waiting quietly.

_Illu: Are you bored?_

_Hisoka: No._

_Illu: What was the frog you sent me?_

_Hisoka: Dat boi_

_Illu: Dat what_

_Hisoka: It’s a meme. Do you know what memes are?_

_Illu: I do, but I’ve never heard of that one._

_Hisoka: The frog wasn’t the point, I was trying to hit on you. Are you turning me down?_

_Illu: I am. It’s superficial._

_Hisoka: Huh, well good. You should never get with me._

_Illu: …. I’m going to call you in a few minutes. Pick up._

_Hisoka: I’m busy right now, another time._

_Illu: You’re not Hisoka, are you?_

Killua hesitates, the phone seems heavier in his hand now. Neither of them had really explored the potential consequences of being found out. It seemed impossible. As he turns to look back at Gon, there’s a heavy knock on the door.

Both boy’s heads snap in the direction of the noise, a glance exchanged between them. Did they run out of time?

“What do we do?” Gon whispers to Killua, another knock punctuates his question.

“We could escape out the window…” Killua suggests, glancing at the window behind them.

“We’re too high up for that!” Gon hisses as he rolls over onto his knees.

The knock comes again, louder, persistent. This person will not go away without an answer.

“We have to answer it.” Killua says finally. His voice is hushed, as if the person on the other side of the door isn’t already aware of their presence.

“Why do _I_ have to answer it?!” Gon shoots back. The weight of what they’ve been doing has just now begun to re-sink into their thoughts. Hisoka’s phone, they stole Hisoka’s phone.

“Because it’s your room!” Killua snaps. Looking down at the phone in his hand, he watches the screen light up with Illumi’s name and number, a photograph of Illumi and Hisoka together eating sushi appears as the contact image.

Again, loud knocks interrupt their conversation. Killua swallows the knot in his throat as Gon pushes himself up from the floor. The distance between their spot on the floor to the door, feels incredible. Gon’s feet drag and drag until his hand meets the cold metal.

Unlocking his door, he twists the knob before pulling it open.

“Did you boys have fun~?♡" Hisoka holds his palm out and open, smiling at Gon and Killua.

The phone in Killua’s hand ceases to vibrate, a missed call displaying on the screen as the Zoldyck stares at Hisoka.

“My phone.” Hisoka begins. “I believe you two found it. I need it back.”

Gon turns his head to look back at Killua now. It takes the urgency in Gon’s eyes to bring Killua back to his senses.

Climbing to his feet, the former assassin approaches Hisoka before holding out the phone.

“We found it in the park.” He sheepishly comments.

“I’ll let it go this time, but you should know better than to play with things that aren’t yours.” Hisoka takes his phone back from Killua, just in time for Illumi to begin calling again. Pressing answer, Hisoka holds his phone up to his face.

“Hmm hello, Illu~. What can I do for you?” Hisoka’s voice is smooth, suggestive, a shiver races down Killua’s spine.

“Ooh, no that was definitely me texting you. I like to keep up on the latest trends you see.” Hisoka’s gaze rakes over the two hunters still standing within Gon’s suite. By his stare, the two know they now owe a debt to Hisoka who covered their ass just now.

“I’ll stop flirting with you when you do me the honor of a date. Just one wouldn’t hurt, Illu.” The magician appears to pause, listening to something Illumi is saying on the phone before responding again.

“Taco Bell is fine. I’ve been craving a thick burrito for some time now anyway. ♤”

Gon and Killua exchange another glance. As Hisoka listens in to whatever Illumi is saying on the phone, Killua motions for Gon to close and lock the door.

“I’ll see you then, Illu~. You can stay at my place again.”

Before the door can close fully, Hisoka stops it with his hand, staring down at the two hunters.

“If my date with Illumi goes well, I’ll consider your debt paid. Now is probably a good time to start praying for a brother-in-law named Hisoka, Killua. ♡” Letting go of the door, Hisoka turns away from the two. As the magician begins walking back towards his room, both Gon and Killua can hear him quietly whistling. The tune is the same as the music from the twerking video, a sound and sight neither will ever get out of their head.

**Author's Note:**

> I like to write crack fics.


End file.
